SNL Celebrity Jeopardy — Turd Ferguson (original)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record with -$230,000. Sean Connery: You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek? What with your Diego mustache and your greasy hair! Alex Trebek: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From 3rd Rock From the Sun, French Stewart in second place with -$17,000. French Stewart: I'm a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I'm gonna bloom! Alex Trebek: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14. Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this. Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson. Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name. Alex Trebek: Great. Let's take a look at the final board. And the categories are: Potent Potables; Sharp Things; Movies That Start with the Word Jaws; A Petit Déjeuner – that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it. Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an assbite, pardon my French. French Stewart: My name's French! Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, who gives a damn? Alex Trebek: Moving on.. Animal Sounds; Condiments; and finally, Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground. Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you're in the lead, so we'll start with you. Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thou. Alex Trebek: That's Condiments. For $400. This condiment is made from mustard seeds. French Stewart: The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take Condiments for $800, thank you.. Alex Trebek: That's not the right answer. Burt Reynolds. Burt Reynolds: That's not my name. Alex Trebek: Okay. Turd Ferguson. Burt Reynolds: Yeah, what do ya want? Alex Trebek: You buzzed in! Burt Reynolds: No I didn't. Alex Trebek: Yes you did! Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that's your opinion. Alex Trebek: I hate my job. The answer was mustard. Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Reynolds, it's still your board. Burt Reynolds: Yeah well, why don't you give me, ah.. why don'tcha give me Ape Tit for $200. Alex Trebek: It's not Ape Tit. It's A Petit.. never mind! Let's just go to Animal Sounds for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes. Mr. Connery. Sean Connery: Moo. Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night! Alex Trebek: Okay, that's not necessary. Burt Reynolds. Burt Reynolds: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? Alex Trebek: No. Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah, solved mysteries. Alex Trebek: That is incorrect. Burt Reynolds: No, that's correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo. Alex Trebek: No. French Stewart, the sound a dog makes. French Stewart: Um.. who is John Caffney and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much, I'll take Animal Sounds for $800 please.. Alex Trebek: No! Good Lord! We would've accepted bow-wow or ruff! Sean Connery: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Trebek! Alex Trebek: Come on, that's way out of line, but.. Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing? Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It's funny. Alex Trebek: No, it's not! Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It's funny. It's funny because it's ah, bigger than, ah.. you know, a normal hat. Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium. Burt Reynolds: Take a look at that! Alex Trebek: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. It's not funny. What's going on? Okay, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is.. you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. We'll accept any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple, I know you can do this. Let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer? French Stewart: Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex. Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. Threeve. A combination of three and five. Simply stunning. And you wagered.. Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless. French Stewart: No, I did not get the answer from anyone else, it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin.. up here. Alex Trebek: That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds.. Burt Reynolds: Yeah, don't bother, I didn't write anything. Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery.. the category was Numbers, and you wrote.. a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend - V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.. Suck it Trebek. That's all the time we have.