Weekend Update — John Travolta / Seal

October 15th, 1994 Thank You, Thank You, Thanks. I am Norm Macdonald and this is the news. The world was stunned this week when Yasser Arafat was awarded the nobel peace prize. Actually, it's not that remarkable when you consider this years other nominees; Raule Sadress(sp?), Mickey Roarke, and the guy who stabbed Monica Seles. Microsoft founder Bill Gates topped Forbes magazines list of the wealthiest Americans this week, just beating out the number two finisher Mr. Monopoly. It was a big week for the old fella, who also placed second in a beauty contest picking up a cool 10 dollars. In a related story three of Hollywood's most powerful men, David Geffen, Steven Speilberg and Jeffery Katzenburg, joined forces last week to form there own movie studio. When asked what sort of films we could expect from them the trio replied, "mostly pornos". ... Ah, thats good news. This week Saddam Hussein pulled his troops back from the Kuwaiti border after realizing that a second invasion might hurt his chances for a Nobel Peace Prize. On Wall street last week trading was very heavy on the big board. Why? Because its a big board. What are you nuts? According to retailers, the most popular Halloween mask this year is O.J. Simpson. And the most popular Halloween greeting is, "I'll kill you and that guy whose bringing over your glasses or treat". By the way you can now purchase a bronze statue of the juice for only 3,395 dollars and for an even five grand you can buy one that Al Cowlings has kissed the ass of. Yoko Ono donated some John Lennon memorabilia to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this week. The items include his Sergeant Pepper uniform, the electric guitar he used at Shea Stadium, and the original hand written lyrics to several songs that she ruined. New York City police charged this week that the 90-year-old mother of actor Peter Falk was systematically bilked out of three million dollars in cash, jewels, and antiques by a con man. Hmm, Peter Falk's mother, huh? Robbed? That sounds like a job for Matlock. According to an obscure 14th Century law, British Army captain James Hewitt could be hanged for having an affair with Princess Diana. The punishment for having sex with Princess Diana is death. The punishment for having sex with Princess Anne is having sex with Princess Anne. Playboy founder Hugh Hephner recently attended his high school reunion. "It was wonderful to see all my old friends", he said. But still it's nice to get back home to a house full of beautiful naked 18-year-old women. Well David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany where his syndicated series Knight Rider places a consistent second behind Baywatch in the ratings. Which once again proves my old theory, Germans love David Hasselhoff. Last week British entrepreneur Richard Brown launched a new soft drink 'Virgin Cola'. Apparently, months of research determined that people were turned off by the names 'Slut Cola' and 'Dr. Whore'. People in 14 states have reported getting sick after eating Schwann ice cream. They're not sure which flavor is the problem, their vanilla, their chocolate, or their uncooked pork swirl. And that's all for now goodnight ... and good luck.