Norm on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien — Do You Know Robert Duvall?

CONAN: Welcome back. I'm sitting with Norm MacDonald, and now, not all your material comes from the news — is that right? NORM: No, some of my material comes — my strongest material comes from real life. CONAN: Real life? NORM: Like for instance, today I was driving in a car — you were kind enough to bring a car to bring this old chunk of coal here to the studio. CONAN: We send cars for our guests, yes. NORM: Yeah, so I got in it and that's... I get material that way, so my driver— CONAN: What do you mean, how do you get material that way? You get in the car and what happens? NORM: My driver tells me a joke. CONAN: The driver we sent to pick you up told you a joke? NORM: Yeah. CONAN: And you're going to tell it now on the show? NORM: Yeah, that's how I get a lot of my material. CONAN: Okay. Why don't we just have him on next time? NORM: That guy. No, wait till you hear me do it. So the guy, he goes... I'll be the guy. CONAN: Okay. NORM: A moth — a moth goes into a podiatrist's office. CONAN: A moth goes into a podiatrist's office? NORM: You are correct. A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist's office says, "What's the problem?" And the moth says, "What's the problem? Where do I begin, man?" He goes, "I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there." And the podiatrist says, "Oh yeah?" And the moth goes, "Yes." And he goes, "At night I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy — and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc — my other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch... I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all." CONAN: How long a drive was this? Do you live in the Valley? Where do you live? Please, sorry... NORM: He says, "Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good." And so the doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?" And then the moth said, "'Cause the light was on." CONAN: My congratulations to anyone who stuck it through to the end. So, Norm... we're pretty much out of time.